Having come down from the deep depression I was in a few days ago, I started looking at the old posts I removed from the blog. There were a few I wanted to add back in.
I based the decision on a combination of likes, recent views, and then comments, in that order. I gave brownie points to a few posts I really liked or were personally super important – but not many. I also considered whether a post was linked to by someone else on recent social media.
Also, older blog posts got brownie points for being older. I can’t expect a good older post to get as many likes, etc. I only had a handful of followers then while today when I have hundreds. Given that I have about 450 posts on the blog, I restored about 60 of them.
This is kind of a lesson on not doing things that are irreversible when you are depressed. I had wanted to simply delete everything but I didn’t. I turned the posts private for no other reason than it was a way to reverse the action later if I felt better. I’m not really sure it matters to anyone but me but some of those posts had a lot of recent views on them.
I still believe that I need to make posts shorter and more succinct and that I’m wasting too much time on social media. And most of those posts aren’t coming back because nobody is interested.
Why was I in such a deep depression?
My wife’s best friend’s sister suddenly developed very aggressive terminal cancer. She lived with her older sister most of her life due to mental development issues. It was discovered a couple of weeks ago after it not being there it a couple of months ago. She only has a month or so left. The rest of the family seems to have bailed. How do you talk to an adult with a 6-year-old mind wanting to know what is happening to her?
At the same time, her adopted son tried to commit suicide with Tylenol. That’s a slow and ugly way to go, as it destroys your liver. I don’t know the details but they caught it before it got too bad. A young liver can sometimes heal.
Makes me think about unhappy things from my past.
Things are not going well with my own kids either. They are confronting economic problems of their own making. Daddy could bail them out. Daddy has already bailed them out several times. Daddy isn’t going to do it again because he isn’t seeing behavioral changes. They won’t starve or be kicked into the street – I have a future grandchild on the way – but they’ll be living on unemployment and maybe welfare until they get their acts together. Bankruptcy court looks inevitable.
All that “Daddy failure” guilt comes bubbling up.
Physically, I’ve been getting hit with random headaches. Some act like migraines and some act like tension headaches. My vertigo has also been getting nasty. I wake up in the morning feeling dizzy while I’m still in bed. It doesn’t go away for an hour or so after getting up and this makes doing anything in the morning problematic. It takes very little for the vertigo to come back.
I’m tired all day and no amount of caffeine wakes me up.
My son-in-law was working in the backyard on our landscaping and I went outside to help. Ten minutes later, I was exhausted and had to scurry inside. Lately, I’m not much use to anyone.
Old stuff started popping into my head, just like I was reliving it. Childhood and teenage stuff. Stuff I’d put paid to 40+ years ago. And Asperger stuff and remembering every time I ever tried and failed along the way or didn’t try when I should have. I had to actively suppress the panic and the guilt that was triggered.
I refuse to allow the failings and mistakes and traumas of decades ago to mess with the here and now. I’m not that kid anymore. Haven’t been for a very long time. I understand why things happened the way they did. Sometimes I talk about my childhood in my posts but you’ll never get the really gory details. It was not happy.
There is a Buddhist saying that the immature person blames other people for their situation, the mature person blames themself and the wise person sees no point in laying blame. I try to hold to that.
And my wife is going in to replace a knee early in August. As soon as that one is healed, there will be the second knee. This is not going to be fun.
And suddenly today I’m feeling bright and chipper (after the dizziness wore off) enough to write this post and go back and analyze the 425+ posts I removed and republish a few dozen of them that looked like they had generated some interest.
I hope it lasts!
If anybody remembers an old post they’d want to see resurrected, let me know.